Ranking Chicago Sports Teams by their Defcon Level

Chicago Sports are in bad shape, but just how bad are they?

By: @chi_rox_

There are eight major league sports teams that call Chicago home (yes, the Red Stars play in Bridgeview-we know but don’t care about technicalities here).

With the sheer amount of teams in a major city, one would think we are blessed with championships often. But this could not be further from the truth, and it’s time we examined just how rough of shape these teams are in.

To do this we’re using the defcon system, a logical and sound way of comparison. In short, defcon levels are a scale that determine the amount of alert we should be on for any given situation. Defcon 5 means no major action needed at this time, and on the other end of the spectrum, defcon 1 means holy fuck it’s time to panic. Let us discuss.

Defcon 5

Chicago Bears

You could easily make the argument that no Chicago sports team is truly in the defcon 5 state as improvements could always be made.

However, in comparison to the other teams in the city, it’s fair to say that the Chicago Bears are currently defcon 5. New GM Ryan Poles has hit the ground running, trading Khalil Mack and Roquan Smith as well as the number one overall pick in the 2023 draft. These moves not only show an understanding in the rebuild process but also knowledge in the free agent market and the necessity of having the cap space to make these signings.

Justin Fields is our guy and has a GM who knows this and will build around him. In the 2022 season, despite just 3 wins, Fields threw for over 2200 yards and 17 touchdowns, and rushed for over 1100 yards and another eight touchdowns. This team has young talent and a GM who is willing to trade and sign veteran talent to support them. The future is bright.

Defcon 4

My intention before writing this was to breakdown each team into each category but, let’s face it, Chicago sports is an on-fire garbage can where plugging teams into this level would be a lie. I can’t do that to our dedicated readers.

Defcon 3

Chicago Blackhawks

I know what you’re thinking-defcon 3? The Hawks, the team that won 26 games last year? Yes! Despite not qualifying for the playoffs in five of the last six seasons and not making it past the first round since they won the Stanley Cup in 2015-the Hawks are stockpiling prospects and continuing to get younger.

With the departure of Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, it’s clear this team is ready to build a new name for themselves after an incredible run during the 2010 decade. They have the ability to do that now that they secured the number one overall draft pick and are essentially guaranteed to pickup Connor Bedard, a centre from Vancouver.

Bedard has been noted as a generational talent who has skyrocketed the Hawks back into popularity after selling thousands of season tickets upon securing the number one pick. Bedard will be joining an already top five ranked NHL prospect pool, so where it is easy to say the Hawks are trending in the right direction.

Defcon 2

Chicago Sky

When looking through each team, it really is a pretty abysmal wasteland with no hope in sight. One team that stands out as less of a shit show than the others is the Chicago Sky.

Now I know you’re thinking, “Roxy, they lost Candace Parker, Courtney Vandersloot, and Allie Quigley (Quigs is still technically on the roster, she is just sitting the 2023 season out).” While yes, this is all true, I simply cannot give that much shit to a team that has graced us with our most recent championship. The spark hasn’t worn off yet and 2021 still holds a special place in my heart.

So they get a pass, for now.

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs are the second most recent championship holder since the Sky after they won the title and ended their 108 year drought in 2016.

Time has been a rollercoaster of emotions for Cubs fans after the Ricketts traded Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, and Javier Baez-three of the biggest names in the 2016 playoff run and amongst Cubs fans favorites. Since the 2016 season the Cubs have had two playoff visits but the last two seasons have finished 19 games back or worse.

It’s clear this team is in a rebuild (I put them in defcon 2 specifically because they can acknowledge this rebuild) and also because of their farm system. MLB ranked the Cubs farm system 12th out of 30 teams, a significant improvement from the 22nd ranking received in the 2021 preseason. Cubs might be a ways off from contention again, though playing in the NL Central may help them, but they are moving in the right direction-something not many other teams can say.

Defcon 1

Well, if you’ve made it this far it’s obvious what teams are going to fall into this category.

Chicago Fire

If you are a Fire fan, this ranking most likely comes as no surprise as fútbol fans are knowledgeable, passionate, and dedicated. With the sport still slow to become popular in the US, especially in a city like Chicago, we’ll quickly dive into why defcon 1 is appropriate here.

The Fire were established in 1998 and have two finals visits since. They actually won the title their first year in the MLS and then lost in the finals in 2003. Since then, the team has been average at best, ranking top 10 just three times in the last 15 years.

There is truly no end in sight to their misery and the team does a subpar job of making itself worth watching. Soldier Field is a less than ideal location and they struggle to sign players that appeal to the masses that already enjoy fútbol, despite Chicago’s demographics. For these reasons, the Chicago Fire soccer team will continue to be a second-ranked Google search to the tv show of the same name for many years to come.

Chicago Red Stars

The Red Stars share many of the same issues as the Fire, and being located in Bridgeview isn’t doing them any favors.

Being Chicago’s newest team, established in 2013, the Red Stars have yet to win a championship. This team is largely in defcon 1 because it needs the support of the city to show they are worth investing in.

Women’s sports are largely under the radar for most people but they, like the Sky, are capable of competitive play that is worth watching. Their ownership is largely unbothered by the lack of support and care for players and this, along with their location, spells disaster for a team that otherwise deserves to have Chicago behind them.

Chicago Bulls

Where to begin with the Chicago Bulls. A Jerry Reinsdorf-owned organization, the Bulls absolutely dominated the 90’s, where all six of their titles came from.

Since then, it has been a mixture of injuries, “what the fuck kind of lineup is this,” and general uncertainty of the direction ownership wants this team to go.

The Bulls have failed to make the playoffs in six of their last eight seasons and ownership seems to have no plan in place to fix that. A team that boasts a mostly healthy Zach LaVine, an aging DeMar DeRozan, and a washed Nikola Vučević (which hurts to admit as he is my favorite player) shockingly has no strong direction and no real depth to get there.

When the GarPax era ended there was such a spark in the fanbase, but newly signed Executive President Artüras Karnišovas has done little to show this team is interested in competing for a title. Mix that in with the lack of interest in admitting to a rebuild now, they are destined to compete in the play-in and make a first round exit for years to come. At least Jerry collects his check though.

Chicago White Sox

Yet another Jerry Reinsdorf-owned team; I think I’m sensing a pattern here. The Chicago White Sox have been a heartbreaking team for nearly two decades.

After their World Series win in ’05, the Sox have only made the playoffs three times and failed to advance beyond the first round each time. The 2023 White Sox are such an abysmal team playing in an even more abysmal division where finding bright spots is nearly impossible.

The most important news to come from this season is our closer Liam Hendriks beating stage 4 cancer. Of course, this would be the most important news even if the White Sox were in first place, but his return is arguably the only true bright spot of the season, which says all you need to know.

On top of their lackluster performance this season, the White Sox farm system ranks 26th out of 30, so we don’t even have much talent worth looking forward to. It’s a dark time to be a Sox fan, but the friends we made along the way is most important.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading! I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on these rankings and what adjustments you would make-if any! Please be nice about it though as I’m very sensitive. Remember, Chicago over everything despite whatever I just wrote in this article. Thank you!